I want to share some thoughts about grief and loss. Is grief our biggest fear becoming a persistent reality, or is it our strictest, most rigorous teacher?
Grief is an unbearable feeling of despair. It is an overwhelming wave of hopelessness which seems to withstand time. I won’t try to sugarcoat the obvious.
Grief becomes a wall to experiencing life itself. It becomes an obstacle which seems unable to be carried by human strength.
But can grief become a teacher? I am almost terrified of writing this thought, but can we overcome the feeling of loss by viewing what we are taught by it?
Again, I know it sounds so cliché, but this thought seems to have some meaning. If grief is a teacher, what can he teach me? Through my loss, what is my homework? After my loss, what is the lesson I have learned? And at last, how has he changed me?
I think loss teaches us that life is a process. Not a fixed plan. It is a process that calls for adapting and continuous internal development. It appears as the connection between our "prior self" and our "future self". One doesn't know the extent of his strength until experiencing loss.
Why should we deal with such pain we wonder? It is embedded in our human nature. If we refuse grief, we are refusing life. We cannot reject this experience because life and loss share the same house. We are that house. Death is part of life. Our life can be lovely, but grief and any kind of loss is a part of it. However, as I said, grief teaches us and evolves us. A painful lesson, but still a lesson we must learn.
The biggest lesson we learn from loss is how resilient we are. Within us lie the most amazing and unexpected strengths we will ever imagine. A person who has not experienced loss still has not experienced this strength we have within us. As humans we tend to rely emotionally on our loved ones expecting that they will be present in our entire life journey. But isn't that indeed a tragedy?
Our minds are programmed to rely on the people we love and without "our permission" make us believe that our relationships are eternal. But isn't that such a huge mistake we are making?
Our relationships are indeed borrowed. Borrowed for our entire life journey or for much less. But they are still borrowed.
There is a phrase that people often use that says, "people come and go." Grief/loss is a realization that this phrase is true. The point is however, that we cannot live without experiencing this emotion and that is the most courageous act I can think of. Living and acknowledging that we will not be with our loved ones for ever, however, choosing to take this train anyway and dare to live a fulfilled life after experiencing this reality is what proves our resiliency.
In essence, we have no other choice than to truly cherish every moment we have and live a fulfilled life with the people we care so dearly about. Not because we are in a hurry not to run out of time, but rather because, we realize this simple law that applies to all.
Therefore, if we realize this, do we not also realize that small things matter? Do we not realize that sometimes we complain about things we have no reason to complain about? Do we not realize that it is our choice to live the happiest and most fulfilling life? Isn’t that what people have been doing for millions of years? Could it ever be possible that the most remembered people in history did not encounter a major loss? How did they create something to be remembered by? Why are they our teachers if loss won the game for them?
Courage is another lesson we learn from grief. We know now that we can love someone even though we know this is not forever.
In this life, "forever has limits." Yet we somehow know that we will live and strive knowing this debilitating fact. Knowing that, we continue living with courage even after our loss. Baring with our feelings after such an event is courageous.
At the end, life is a process that evolves us, not a fixed plan or a promised future of solemnly happy events.
Essentially, in someone’s eyes, each one of us is a one-of-a-kind superhero.
Zoe Shields
BA Social Theology
BA Psychology
Mental health counselor