What is Gaslighting?
The term describes a method of psychological manipulation whose aim is to spread doubt within the individual so that they are unsure of their own memory, perception and reasoning. Furthermore, the aim is to make the individual doubt the correctness of his/her own logic.
The term "gaslighting" is derived from the British play "Gas Light" by Patrick Hamilton in 1944, in which a husband tries to drive his wife crazy through various techniques to make her question her own sanity.
It usually occurs in relationships and other social interactions where there is an imbalance of power such as between parent and child, partners in which one wants to impose on the other, supervisor and subordinate, etc.
It's helpful to understand that toxic relationships destroy confidence in oneself. Therefore,
we need to learn how to protect ourselves and be prepared.
How to Recognize Gaslighting
There are certain techniques that are used to make the victim lose objectivity and question the validity of their thinking:
1) Reality denial
The abuser pretends that things did not happen the way they did. You might hear phrases like: "I never said that. You're probably too tired from work and don't remember well."
2) Downplaying
The abuser presents some events as insignificant, and the feelings and thoughts they cause in the victim as exaggerated: "Are you going to let something so insignificant ruin our relationship? You're exaggerating again! I can't believe you think like that! What has happened to you?"
3) Distancing
A person pretends not to understand what the other person is saying or changes the subject so as not to engage in a conversation with them: "There you go again! Can't we discuss something else? What you are saying has nothing to do with reality. You clearly don't remember the facts. I can't have this conversation again."
How to Deal with Gaslighting
1) Since the purpose is to challenge the validity of your thinking, the best thing to do is to discuss the situation with someone. It may not necessarily be an expert, but you should talk to someone at least to make sure that you haven't lost your mind.
2) Proof! We usually don't get into the process of thinking that we need to prove something that happened. But because this method of manipulation is based on just that, it requires you to have some means of proof to put the abuser in place and weaken him. Take notes, use a calender, take pictures, have witnesses, gather as much evidence as you can.
3) Remind yourself daily that your memory is not faulty, that you remember the facts correctly and that the problem is not you, but the person trying to manipulate you. Essentially, don't let this method make you actually doubt what you think and remember.
4) Look for an expert. Because this method is extremely painful for the victim, you need to look for an expert as soon as possible who can help you recognize the signs of gaslighting and show you ways to cope in order to protect your mental health.
If you begin denying your own perception of things, you have already engaged in this game. Especially in very close relationships like with a partner or parent in which we are emotionally involved, cutting loose from a form of manipulation like this one is very hard.
-Zoe Shields
BA in psychology
BA in social theology
Mental health counselor
Vice president of the Psychology Club of American Public University System/American Military University